i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
