seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
