He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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