Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
