Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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