i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
