Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
