I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
