at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
it's great music for shaving your balls
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
