I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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