there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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