i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
