You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
