Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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