You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
