I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
