It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
