I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
