I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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