watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
