Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
