How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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