I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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