Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
