So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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