I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
