i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
no more duck duck goose at the bar
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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