I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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