You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
