Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
