even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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