if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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