You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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