Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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