Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
