the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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