just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
