It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
