im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
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