I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
