I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
