Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
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