life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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