He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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