hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
