if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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