I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
