the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
