Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Blood and glitter go together right?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
