There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
