Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize