I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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