you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
