How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
