Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
