She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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