You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
