$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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