I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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