She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
My breasts were aching with rage.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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