You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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