my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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